To Do It
by Nari-nick
Summary: He doesn't know how to do it. He just knows that this has to end...these dark and twisted thoughts. B/K


this is something I dreamed...it was a strange dream and that's why the story's a bit strange I guess...

this is B/K, so don't like, don't read. And AU, because Nat is alive. I hope there're no grave mistakes ...oh, and I don't own anything.

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**To Do It**

She's there, but I am here.

She's with _him,_ now that he returned. When he appeared at her doorstep, weeks after the incident, and told her what had happened the next thing she did was summon me; she hadn't even thought of trying before. And now she calls me sometimes, but never to work. She says she wants to see me. I like that thought.

And I can't remember when it started, but I'm watching her. Secretly. Putting every move and expression to memory, replaying everything in my mind over and over again.

And I don't really know why, but sometimes my vision is blurred und unclear, a red shade over everthing, a haze, a sudden burning sting when I see _him_ with her...together. And they're together so very often nowadays.

And sometimes all I can think of is, oh her hands, her voice, her face, her aura so bright and glowing, and oh her spirit, her laughter, her _mouth._

I know this isn't really me, but yet it's me, because she changed me, damn her. I always hoped it wouldn't ever be possible, I mean not even then, _he_ had changed me that much...but now I can't change back, for the first time I'm really stuck with something and it drives me mad that I can't help it.

Because I think I'm _feeling_...these are no moods but feelings inside me, and I'm not used to it, and I hate her for it, and actually that's a new feeling, too. All I ever felt before was pain, physical pain...and this is something different, this pain, a deep and burning ache, and I fear it wouldn't go away if I left, it's not my essence that hurts, it's...I don't know what it is and I don't want to know.

How I _hate_ that she doesn't even know what she's doing to me whenever she smiles at me, and me alone, and how I fear that my cynic ways can't fool her forever.

I know I am pathetic.

But what to do?

I watch, I long, I despair and I dream, and my imagination shows me vivid visions of what could be if I ever had the courage to tell her...and I know what I want is sick and shunned by my kind, and simply not done, but I can't change that either. I cannot think of unspoken laws when her hand grazes mine, when her eyes lock with mine.

But how_ to do it._

Because this has to end.

Yes, I am that egoistic; I have to do this just for me, but in a way that doesn't hurt her...if only she didn't know it was me...

ooOoo

And so I make a plan.

And one night, I stand in front of her door and I knock, and she opens and smiles and says something like, didn't you want to stay home tonight, but I don't even listen; I just close the door behind me and caress her cheek with this hand that she thinks is _his_ ...

And then she smiles again and I can't hold it any longer, I take her into my arms with a force and need that I can feel startles her, and press her against the wall and I kiss her wild and desperatly, and my -_his_- fingers stroke her hair and grip it and roam over her head and face and shoulders and what the hell am I doing?

She grabs my hands and forces me to look at her. She doesn't say a word, just looks at me, and then her face comes nearer and nearer until I see my reflection in her eyes, and then she grabs my shoulders and neck and kisses back, _she kisses back_, carefully and sweet at first, but then demanding and with heat and lust, and I don't care that her passion is not really felt for _me_ and I'm happy, yes _happy_...

because it feels so good to even just pretend it is, and because she's just _doing_ this with me and doesn't sigh his name into my ear, and thank whoever that I've been in her flat before so I know where her bedroom is, so I can carry her there, touching and kissing all the while, and lay her down and lose myself in...

us. Being together.

And then I think no more until much later when she's sleeping in my arms, her hand on my bare chest, her breasts soft against my side, her lips on my neck, her warm breath caressing me, and I don't think I'ver ever felt so much at once before.

Before I leave I kiss her forehead, just like at that time in the Other Place, just as tenderly, and I wish for her that she'll never find out what really happend.

I'm not ashamend anymore to admit to mysef that I love her.

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that's it. Yes, this is a different Bartimaeus, but this is just how I see his ...dark side...

feel free to tell me what you think of this :)


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